Tend and Befriend instead of Fight or Flight

Deb -- thought you would find this interesting. Dan is here (asleep in the guest room).

UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN
>
>By Gale Berkowitz
> A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are
> special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They
>soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our
>marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way,
>they may do even more. Scientists now suspect that hanging out
> with our friends can actually counteract the kind of
> stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis.
>
> A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with
>a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain
> friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has
>turned five decades of stress research--most of it on
>men--upside down.
>
> "Until this study was published, scientists generally believed
>that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal
> cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as
>fast as possible," explains Laura Cousino Klein, PhD, now an
> Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State
>University and one of the study's authors. "It's an ancient
> survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across
> the planet by saber-toothed tigers.
> Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral
>repertoire than just "fight or flight." "In fact," says Dr.
> Klein, "it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as
> part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the "fight or
> flight" response and encourages her to tend children and gather
> with other women instead. When she actually engages in this
>tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is
> released, which further counters stress and produces a calming
> effect. This calming response does not occur in men", says Dr.
> Klein," because testosterone--which men produce in high levels
>when they're under stress--seems to reduce the effects of
> oxytocin. Estrogen", she adds, "seems to enhance it."
>
>The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men
> was made in a classic "aha!" moment shared by two women
> scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. "There was
> this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were
> stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded",
> says Dr. Klein." When the men were stressed, they holed up
> somewhere on their own. I commented one day to fellow researcher
> Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on
>males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew
>instantly that we were onto something."
>
> The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one
> scientist after another from various research specialties. Very
> quickly, Drs.Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including
>women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The
> fact that women respond to stress differently than men has
>significant implications for our health. It may take some time
> for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages
> us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the
> "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may
> explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has
>found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering
> blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol.
>
> "There's no doubt," says Dr. Klein, "that friends are helping us
>live." In one study, for example, researchers found that people
> who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month
> period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a
> 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.
>
> Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses' Health
> Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends
>women had, the less likely they were to develop physical
> impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be
> leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant,
> the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or
>confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or
>carrying extra weight!
>And that's not all! When the researchers looked at how well the women
> functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the
> face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend
> confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new
> physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without
>friends were not always so fortunate.
>
> Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so
> much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add
> years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with
> them? That's a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen
>Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of "Best Friends: The Pleasures and
>Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press,
> 1998). "Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the
> first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women,"
> explains Dr. Josselson. "We push them right to the back burner.
>That's really a mistake because women are such a source of
> strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to
> have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of
> talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very
> healing experience."
>
> Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis,B. P., Gruenewald, T. L.,
> Gurung, R.A.R., & Updegraff, J. A. (2000). "Female Responses to
> Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight", Psychological
> Review, 107(3), 41-429.
>

Big D's network in coronado

So yesterday, after locking my keys in the car at dog park , which is how I start my
day, we came back to the shores and were walking into our building when 2 policemen
came out. Some old people had called 911 by mistake.
so I told them they needed to move to Detroit to get some real crime experience and
one of them said to me-"so I can get ice dam on my roof every time. and I said how
did you know that-he then proceeded to tell me about the trans 2 or gem as now
called plus other interesting facts about us. Have never seen him before. Doug
admitted it might have something to do with Starbucks.

Swam in the rain outside this morning with crashing waves as people walked by
wearing gloves and winter coats. I guess they are not from Michigan.

Dave has promised to blog and blog with the kids when he has them for a week
in early Feb. Hopefully , Harrison will review movies. by for now .
DEbmom

John Edward....to the tune of I feel pretty

You've got to watch this til the very end....the tongue action is too much....

And for Dave and Boulder Joe who think that girls don't fart ....a mythbusting video.

Our Brother Dave --- from dannyo

Hi All:

I just wanted to share my experience of watching our brother (son) Dave get an award last Friday night in Boulder. I can't imagine a better thing for a parent (like you Doug , Deb or even Esther) to witness than to see their son honored like Dave was. The leader of the foundation spent at least 10 minutes telling about what an amazing person Dave is and how he has helped their charity - and it was easy to see how much Dave is liked in the Boulder community. When it came time for Dave to approach the podium there was a standing ovation that seemed to last as long. Everyone was on their feet clapping for what seemed like five (5) minutes or more. It was great to see Elizabeth, Harry, and Matt watch this amazing reception their Dad got and to see first hand the widespread respect he has in this community.

I wish everyone could have been there. I was certainly proud of Dave!

Dan

PS. Please can someone pass this on to Mike and Mark. Thanks, Dan

(enclosed is the write-up on Dave in the evening's program)

Patagonia

I'm going to patagonia next february with friends....I'm so excited.....

LA Joe -- what is that thing in the first picture

it is too confusing to me....a lump of lard? a lump of meat???

it all looks so good at the end....but definitely questionable at the beginning....

Cree,

thanks for getting me on Deb's blog. I wilol have plenty to say about everything.

dougie

Hey big Joe

Very impressive--did you have a mother that taught you how to cook like that?

Chrisser-having trouble getting doug his own name-what do we do? I don't
want his comments under my name. You can see why.

Joe-loved the xmas card of Lily and the stamp. very clever.
Mom deb

porklovers

After many promises to Mom, I'm posting a meal I made last week. This may not be for the faint of artery but it was increadible tasty and it took five days to prepare. For those of you still living off of greens you may want to gloss over the graphic images.

The title of this meal is:

Grilled pork confit with braised rice soubise and roasted figs.
It is from Suzanne Goin's new cookbook of Lucques and A.O.C.
fame.

What makes this dish special is the process of 'confiting', of which I wasn't very familiar. It was developed by peasants
in the middle ages of France who cooked and stored their food in fat as a way of preserving meat. You can do it with other
foods as well.
I started with a 3 lb boneless pork shoulder which I 'brined' for 2 days. A brine is a salt, sugar and herb concoction which
one dilutes in water and then keeps ice cold with the meat soaking in the water. A brine tenderizes the meat and allows for the salts and sugars to be obsorbed into the tissue of the meat thereby preserving flavor. This brine had crushed juniper berries, fennel, bay leaves, and alspice berries added to the mix. After 2 days I pulled the shoulder out and let it sit till it reached room temperature. At the same time I heated up two qts. of rendered duck fat in a cast iron dutch oven and brought it to a liquid state. after carefully lowering the pork into the fat, I slow cooked it at 250F for six hours. This was tough to schedule, it actually had to be pulled from the oven at 4am. after the pork cools in the fat for an hour or so and then it is refrigerated overnight. The left over fat is stained and then saved for the next time.
The following day, the day of the meal. We made the braised rice soubise which is like an onion rissoto except it is mostly
onion cooked in butter with a little bit of Arborio rice added along with Gruyere cheese and cream. Also added are
roast figs(not in the picture) which are seasoned with tyme and a pinch of salt and pepper with a sprinkel of olive oil.

After the soubise is finished the very cold pork is sliced against the grain into 1/2" wide slices and seared in a very hot
cast iron skillet with a little pork fat. after browning, the pork is placed on a bed of dandelion greens and served with the
figs on top. Our friend Stephen came over with his friend Sarah, and helped us eat.

Lily licked her fingers and smiled. It was a good night.

Travels to DC

Hi all -- I've thought long and hard. I realized George Bush just wants to push off declaring defeat onto the next president. I am fully against adding troops primarily because it a) kills more people b) undermines the political solutions that might be available to us c) when we pull out the troops two years later, the same situation will occur and 4) contributes to more people hating the U.S. making us more unsafe.

Had a great conversation with the taxi cab driver last night at 2 am (nothing life a flight with a 3 hour delay and four hours of turbulence)...he was from afghanistan and is recently a new citizen of the U.S. He says that the people in the Taliban "do not love their mothers". Politics reduced to freud.

He left 18 years ago. Lived in pakistan and was a teacher. Then moved here and has three children all who "love school". He has six sisters, all are highly educated (doctor, teacher and engineer). Two were living in afghan during taliban. He said the movie Osama captured only 20% of the horror of living under the Taliban.

His sisters are now spread out. They doctor has returned to Kabul to help her country. Two live in canada, one in the us, one in germany, and one in australia. It made our geographic distance so easy.

Today I listened to a horrid man who staffed the Aspen Institute's Commission on No Child Left Behind who cares nothing about the lives of young people who try to enter their adult lives without a diploma or adequate education. Whenever I come to the beltway I "fire" people. Is this my revenge streak? I dont' know but I know some of the commissioners and i'm going to very nicely let them know that they were poorly staffed and represented.

Signing off from DC...

list of birthdays and anniversaries

Jan 7--Deb and Doug married

FEB
11 MIKE
18 KAELYN
26 JORDAN

MARCH
4 CAMPBELL
18 SONYA
19 DAVE
28 ROG

MAY
1 BOULDER JOE
3 KEVIN
11 ZACH
12 ELIZABETH
13 KINCH
16 JEN

JUNE
11 CAMI
12 QUINN
14 MARK
15 DAN

JULY
17 DAN AND SONYA ANNIVERSARY

AUGUST
9 ORIGINAL JOE
12 MOL AND CHRIS J. ANNIVERSARY
20 JOE AND JEN ANNIVERSARY
26 CHRISSER

SEPTEMBER
3 CHRIS J.
12 HARRISON
27 AMY

OCTOBER
10 LILY
14 DOUG
16 CONNOR
20 ANNE
21 MATT

NOVEMBER
19 ME MOM DEB

DECEMBER
14 JEANIE
20 MOLS

please excuse if I got any wrong or left someone out.

Just missing each other and birthdays

Chrisser-
Dan just returned from DC today-this is probably a good idea or you will
end up in the same city and not know it. Mol wants a list of everyone's birthday
so I will put it on tonight.

Lily was here for the weekend and the Sturges genes seem to dominate-sorry , Jen.

also, Joe that is big joe has made a dinner that took 4 days so he is putting it on
this blog along with pictures. anyone want my receipes? I will let you know
what I think of the state of the union-what I really like is that Nancy P. will be
sitting next to Cheney and that in itself is worth watching.
by for now
debMom or Mom deb-(which is it?)

Travels

Lucky me....I get to go to Detroit the 2nd week of February!

Tomorrow I'm off to DC.

Week of February 18th, I'm in Santa Fe for photo workshop.

The man next to me in the cafe is talking about his corns....lucky me!

Newsflash: Lily discovers color and her hands!

No way! I can control my hands??!!

(Yes, it's official, Lily can grab and drag stuff into her mouth. And color has suddenly become very intriguing. Especially mom's orange shirt.)

Hey Boulder Joe, as soon as I have enough hair, I'll be a garbage bag head just like you!

Kisses!
LilStur

Hi BOULDER JOE

this is me , deb. Yes, I like the new godzilla-did the other one get worn out? Your
cool Dad is in San Diego and Poppy and I may meet him for ice cream tonight.

It sounds like you are a good painter. What shall we paint when I come to see you
in March?

Sounds like you are going on a trip on Fri. to see your cousins. Do they fight a lot??
That will be good if you can stop them. How will you do that?

My favorite thing to do is to swim just like you and Elizabeth. My favorite animal is
probably aKoala bear-they don't do a lot -just sleep in trees and eat but they look
like stuffed animals.By the way, I loved your pictures but your hair is the way Mo
wears his. so by for now garbage bag head.
Love
Mom deb

and Cree-am I totally out of it?? What march on Jan. 27th. Looks like I won't
be in san Francisco that weekend-premature for Intrago but need to see you so will
figgure out another time.

anyone want to go to the march on jan 27th in dc?

I'm thinking about going.....

from (Boulder) Joe

Hi Deb,

This is me, Joe. I got a new Godzilla...it's not the same as my other, old Godzilla. My Dad got it for me cuz I was being a good listener and painting his new office. He is the coolest Dad and the best Dad. i'm going at David and Ryans house on Friday. They are my cousins in Michigan. Also Matthew and baby Leah live there. I going to teach them how to be nice and no fighting at eachother.

Is sleeping your favorite thing? What's your favorite animal? A crocodile, a zebra or a tiger? Why do you don't like snakes?
Gamera is a giant fire-breathing turtle. I know you like panda bears. King Kong is a ape, and he is almost like the gorillas at your zoo but he is taller.

Thats just it. Bye Deb.
Love,
Joe

Do you like pictures? I look like a garbage bag head!!

Sunday Morning Update from Cree

I'm off to take one more step in becoming a true blue California girl. Marie and I are off to Harbin Springs where clothing is optional. (I'll be keeping my clothes on thank you!) We are doing yoga, getting massages, talking about life, and listening to silence.

Saw Letters from Iwo Jima last night. A very, very good movie. Seems to me that Eastwood is a bit fascinated with how people face up to tragic situations in which there is no escape. It also made me think very deeply about how we culturally define courage or can see courage where in fact it was just the need to act, to do something.

Hey Harry -- any good movies to recommend?

this is GREAT- Hi Joe, that is Boulder Joe. I am so glad you are writing to me.
Maybe we could ask Quinn to join and then you and quinn could talk. did you get
the postcard that I sent to you?

Yes, I know about Martin Luther King. He is one of my heroes. I am glad to
know that you know about him.

Mols, loved the picture of Quinn by the bed looking pensive which somehow
got on my cell phone yesterday. Can you post it on this blog? so happy to hear
how well the opera is coming. We will be there.

Chrisser-I will get on the state web site. Yeah for Governor movie star. You never know.

big Joe and Jen-Doug is stopping at glorietta Bay Inn about next weekend-if it
is filled or way too expensive come here if you can stand the pull out bed.

Love
Momdeb

From Joe!

Hi Deb, It's me, Joe. Have you heard of Martin Luther King? He wanted black people and white to come together. He got shooted and he died.

Bye Deb!
Joe

Great state politics website - from Cree

Hi all -- I was at the beach today with absolutely no one else (except the Jup). Unbelievably fun!

Here is a great website with updates on state politics....

Sorry for the confuison, for some reason I was signed in under debmom....

Hi There Cuties

Hi dear everyone-

Over the last week, almost without exception, Quinn gives me updates on how I am talking...

" Mom, you are talking quite well today."

"Thanks Quinn" I say

"You're welcome Mom, we didn't even have to do sign language because of your broken tongue."

Most of the afternoons are spent observing various techniques for talking me into more sugar or perhaps-a video.

"Mom, I have never tried this chocolate ball before."

"Quinn, I think it tastes a lot like the last one."

Quiet moment from Quinn. A new tactic emerges.

"Mom, what if I take two and I could taste one now, and taste one later. Wouldn't that be good?"

Loving you all from Santa Fe. We had our first Memorylines artist meeting. It was incredible. Almost everyone who has asked from the communities of Santa Fe has accepted. We are doing it- bringing together recent immigrants, postal workers, gallery owners, kids, seniors, pueblo community members, grandmothers. We are going to create a new opera....but don't tell the opera it won't be like anything they have every heard or seen. It is a dream come true. David G. and I are sitting here in a cafe planning our next three projects. We are going to start rural series of projects working with communities affected by environmental degredation and thinking of doing a project in Colorado Springs bringing together gay and lesbian community members with fundamentalists and creating a piece. Such a blessing to do this. The more I do it the more I think we are really learning how to develop empathy, how to create shared experience and create dialogue and are creating some that inspires us- that moves us. How did I get so lucky? I think it was Norn's dancing and Mom's laugh that taught me how to do this.

How to Put Pics on the Blog

First you have to be registered as an author. Both Dan and I can go in under Deb's password and invite you to be an author. So just let us know if you aren't registered.

Second, after you sign in, you clik on New Posting.

Fill in the Title (whatever you want to call it).

To add a picture click on the "add image" icon ( a little blue picture, next to last on the row of icons).

Click on browse and add the picture you want to add. You can add more pictures at one time, by clicking on "add image" which is right above the browse button.

When you are done adding all the pictures you want, clik on Upload.

Then clik on "publish" (orange button at bottom of posting screen) and you are all done!

Lily is 3 months today!

Oh i look ridiculous!!


Christmas Eve in San Diego under the Grinch Tree


Warm & snuggly in mom's pouch.

chrisser

People talk to dogs, and not to the people because they really don't want to have a
conversation -this shows they are friendly without any real interaction.

It is kind of like "Have a nice day" Can you imagine their reponse if you told them what
kind of a day you were really having, -I was tempted in December.

Just swam in my own pool-- I agree with Mol-nothing like it-JOIN UP!.

Just to keep up my reputation as the Deb hot line-Dan is in Detroit at the Detroit auto
show -Hope all goes well in Seattle.
Mom deb

Why do people in san francisco say hello to the dogs

but not to the people?

As I walked Jupiter, one round bellied man whispered Hi Buddy! As a couple passed by me, the woman blurted out "Well hi sweetie". Another woman walked right up to me, looking straight into Jupiter's eyes and gleefully spouted "Hi friend" as if they were long lost....friends that is.

I think it's rather odd....do we really want to be that friendly to other people, but only have social approval to be that warm and welcoming to strange dogs.

I'm off to Seattle...where people walk with coffee in their hands all day long.

The Big Cottage - House of the Lord

Hola Familial posse.

Had a crazy dream last night. The big cottage. The porch was facing toward Ft. Mazey and it was filled with priests. The small little valley below was paved with cobblestone and there were buildings and restaurants and everywhere were priests and pastors and guys in "Papal Uniforms". It was weird. It was almost like the Big cottage was the Vatican.

Anyway, weird dreams aside I hope everyone is doing well. The Colorado contingent is alive and thriving.

Adios

-H

Molly, Molly, Molly

I just spoke with Mols, the first time in a week. And she sounded 100% normal and SANG last night at the "love fest". Amazing...that she and CJ composed all during the tongue-crisis, let alone singing two weeks after surgery.

She said on the phone that she just wants to sing her heart out....

doing a blog-maybe

Hi everyone

this is a 68 year old trying to blog.
who made up this stupid word,, blog?
Mom deb

Teaching Deb to Blog

Too much fun....I heard her shouting to Doug " I'm blogging, I'm blogging".

Teaching Deb tech stuff is always a bit of a challenge as she leads, interrupts and repeats
"Can I tell you something"...

Perhaps this is where Q. has learned to forcefully use "Excuse me please..."

I'm looking forward to the musings....

Hey Deb what do you think of this fellow that is going to replace Bolton with the UN?

Manual High School - from cree

A guy named Steve Dobo (now what kind of name is that?!) called me today from Denver. He runs a program that does outreach to all the kids that have dropped out since they closed Manual. He was just looking for information on what other cities are doing....didn't even know I went to Manual.

The Denver Post had a reporter and photographer follow him around. The slideshow
is really compelling (great photos) and made me a bit teary.

To balance that experience took Jupiter to the top of Bernal Heights (cooooool day with sparkling light). He cracked me up...when I would get ready to throw the ball, "ready jup?" he would just start running in the direction he was looking, not paying any attention whatsoever to the direction I was looking, and throwing. Not a lot of brains that guy!

That's a picture of him digging and digging, not with a ball or a stick....he is obsessed with the ball thrower thingamajig! But only at the beach!

Lily says hi, Mom. Happy New Year

Dougie Really is Alive and a Handsome Guy!

Directions to Use the Blog - I'll delete this later

Directions to use the blog:

1) Go to www.blogger.com

2) Sign in where it says "new blogger" to use your gmail account. Just click on "new blogger", then type in your email and password. Then click "sign in"

Dan, Molly, Joe Doug and Dave have all been invited to add to your blog. So they will sign in under their own emails and passwords.

3) This brings you to the dashboard - click on "new post" (it has a green cross next to it).

You just start writing -- give yourself a title and start to write. If you have pics, send me by email and I'll add them for you (I'll teach you later how to add them).

If you aren't done or not sure if you liked what you wrote you can simply click on "save as draft". If you want to see what it looks like, you can click on "preview" (and then later click on "hide preview" to go back to the page you were writing on.

When you are all done -- click on "publish"

(please note - you can add "labels" or categories at the right lower corner. Let's say you were adding lots of stories about Mo, you could label it as "king mo". )

4) If you have saved something as draft, then next time you are at the dashboard you can click on "edit" and finish the posting. Also you can change your blog postings at any time you want, in case you see a typo or something. It's really easy.

I think that is all...have fun!